This venture has been put on hold indefinitely.
Till later, my loves.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Ground Rules
Set on: June 06, 2010
Of course, these are bound to change. That's the beauty of this openness. We can edit, add and remove rules as we see fit. Afterall, this is going to be a first time for the both of us.
Of course, these are bound to change. That's the beauty of this openness. We can edit, add and remove rules as we see fit. Afterall, this is going to be a first time for the both of us.
- Never text/call/etc. other people when we're together.
- No pictures. When we do reach the point that we're comfortable with sending/receiving pictures, no face shots.
- Safety precautions apply.
- No sex.
- No love.
- ALWAYS tell the other person that our girlfriend/boyfriend will know about and is okay with the exchange.
- ALWAYS tell each other about other people. Amount of details will be determined as we go along.
- ALWAYS make it clear to the other person that it will not go further than the screen/phone. There is no chance of a relationship of any other kind aside from possible friendship. No kissing.
- Communication will be paramount.
- No deleting text messages/other evidence, just to promote trust and honesty.
Introduction
On Friday, I found out that my boyfriend of a year and a half had exchanged naughty text messages with a certain girl from his workplace. This was not the second time he had done this. I thought the first time would be the last, so when it happened again, I saw the wreckage of my dreams. I was heartbroken. I cried, and I kept crying. I had never been so saddened over a boy in my entire life. I asked myself over and over how I could stay with him. I couldn't trust him. I knew he loved me but he obviously was not the good man that I thought he was, right? Even though he had never been anything but perfect - a perfect gentleman, a perfect lover, a perfect partner - this past year. He had respected me, held me in my weakest moments, celebrated with me during every phenomenal high, introduced me with such pride - he had made me feel more loved than anyone else ever had. And it was a constant, permanent thing - not something that passed after the first few months. He was never lacking. Nevertheless, he obviously wasn't good, right?
As much as I loved him, I didn't want a relationship that would ultimately revolve around resentment and distrust. He was sorry - oh, so sorry. As much as he was trying extremely hard to make amends, I could see that we were just spiraling closer and closer to a break up. I couldn't bear his touch. The few times I was kind to him, I felt disgusted with myself - like I was betraying decades of civil rights activism. I was failing to uphold the rules of being a self-respecting woman, wasn't I? I should leave. I should just walk out.
Finally, it came to a yes-or-no moment. We discussed our options: seeing other people (the thought tasted disgusting to the both of us), breaking it off, staying (and trying again). None of it felt right. In the midst of everything, I remembered something an older, married friend of mine, R., said: men will do that. You two love each other. It's so obvious. Try to see if you two still have a chance. I said her words out loud. That was it. We had reached a breakthrough. I got my phone and sent a text to another good friend of mine, a girl we'll call Miss M. Before I move on with the story, I have to tell you a little about Miss M.
Miss M is a person I would trust with my deepest darkest secret, because she happens to be one of the most non-judgmental people in the world. As a woman who has "non-mainstream" compulsions, I love her for this. I also I admire her for it. I knew she would be objective in her analysis of my current situation. I also knew that she would give me what none of my young, confused, "girl-power-yeah!" girl friends could: a practical, non-vanilla, non-mainstream perspective.
So I spoke to her and, just as I had suspected, she did not disappoint. At this point, I was beginning to rethink my initial moral repugnance. Maybe I, a woman who claims she is open-minded, had closed my mind too soon. She told me that, truly, it was just live porn. She made it clear that he was wrong for breaking the rules set six months ago and for lying about it. At the same time, she also asked if I could try to see it the way he does. She said she understood it: that her boyfriend of five years did feel hurt when she first started delving into accepting her attraction to other people.
She said sex only meant something when love is involved; otherwise, it was just sex. This not only applied to intercourse but also to sexual exchanges, e.g., the one my boyfriend partook in. Did he have sex with her? No. Did he want to? No. He wanted to come home and have sex with me. She said she felt the same way when she would interact with other people: she would come home to the person she loves and channel all that built-up energy to the one she actually wants to be with. As jealous as he got sometimes, it had intensified their sex life and, I suspect, the added sincerity and honesty also strengthened their relationship. He eventually delved into the possibilities himself. I daresay they seem quite happy with each other.
I am not saying we will ever end up swinging, but once I got over the "oh my god, this is not what normal people do!" part, I found that the tears were unnecessary. I've had no urge to cry since last night's epiphanies. I also realized that I could benefit from the naughty factor of texting/talking to other people: the idea, in its eccentricity, could turn me on like crazy if I let it.
I made it clear that I was hurt by the lying - that this was a trial-solution. That "we'll see" will be our mantra while we're dipping our toes into this new adventure.
I'm scared. Miss M. warns us to tread lightly. This could go wrong very quickly if we don't communicate and maintain honesty. I think it would take a great amount of control and talking to make this work.
But alongside my fear is this nervous, dirty, exquisite excitement. Oh my god, I actually let him touch me last night. We kissed and he was instantly hard. Actually, he got hard while we were setting the ground rules. He thanked me profusely for trying. At the end of the day, we didn't make love, but we did masturbate together on the couch while watching porn. Haha. I came three times. He came so hard and so much that I almost spilled some.
An hour later, right before falling asleep, we went at it again. Still no sex, but it was damn hot.
As much as I loved him, I didn't want a relationship that would ultimately revolve around resentment and distrust. He was sorry - oh, so sorry. As much as he was trying extremely hard to make amends, I could see that we were just spiraling closer and closer to a break up. I couldn't bear his touch. The few times I was kind to him, I felt disgusted with myself - like I was betraying decades of civil rights activism. I was failing to uphold the rules of being a self-respecting woman, wasn't I? I should leave. I should just walk out.
Finally, it came to a yes-or-no moment. We discussed our options: seeing other people (the thought tasted disgusting to the both of us), breaking it off, staying (and trying again). None of it felt right. In the midst of everything, I remembered something an older, married friend of mine, R., said: men will do that. You two love each other. It's so obvious. Try to see if you two still have a chance. I said her words out loud. That was it. We had reached a breakthrough. I got my phone and sent a text to another good friend of mine, a girl we'll call Miss M. Before I move on with the story, I have to tell you a little about Miss M.
Miss M is a person I would trust with my deepest darkest secret, because she happens to be one of the most non-judgmental people in the world. As a woman who has "non-mainstream" compulsions, I love her for this. I also I admire her for it. I knew she would be objective in her analysis of my current situation. I also knew that she would give me what none of my young, confused, "girl-power-yeah!" girl friends could: a practical, non-vanilla, non-mainstream perspective.
So I spoke to her and, just as I had suspected, she did not disappoint. At this point, I was beginning to rethink my initial moral repugnance. Maybe I, a woman who claims she is open-minded, had closed my mind too soon. She told me that, truly, it was just live porn. She made it clear that he was wrong for breaking the rules set six months ago and for lying about it. At the same time, she also asked if I could try to see it the way he does. She said she understood it: that her boyfriend of five years did feel hurt when she first started delving into accepting her attraction to other people.
She said sex only meant something when love is involved; otherwise, it was just sex. This not only applied to intercourse but also to sexual exchanges, e.g., the one my boyfriend partook in. Did he have sex with her? No. Did he want to? No. He wanted to come home and have sex with me. She said she felt the same way when she would interact with other people: she would come home to the person she loves and channel all that built-up energy to the one she actually wants to be with. As jealous as he got sometimes, it had intensified their sex life and, I suspect, the added sincerity and honesty also strengthened their relationship. He eventually delved into the possibilities himself. I daresay they seem quite happy with each other.
I am not saying we will ever end up swinging, but once I got over the "oh my god, this is not what normal people do!" part, I found that the tears were unnecessary. I've had no urge to cry since last night's epiphanies. I also realized that I could benefit from the naughty factor of texting/talking to other people: the idea, in its eccentricity, could turn me on like crazy if I let it.
I made it clear that I was hurt by the lying - that this was a trial-solution. That "we'll see" will be our mantra while we're dipping our toes into this new adventure.
I'm scared. Miss M. warns us to tread lightly. This could go wrong very quickly if we don't communicate and maintain honesty. I think it would take a great amount of control and talking to make this work.
But alongside my fear is this nervous, dirty, exquisite excitement. Oh my god, I actually let him touch me last night. We kissed and he was instantly hard. Actually, he got hard while we were setting the ground rules. He thanked me profusely for trying. At the end of the day, we didn't make love, but we did masturbate together on the couch while watching porn. Haha. I came three times. He came so hard and so much that I almost spilled some.
An hour later, right before falling asleep, we went at it again. Still no sex, but it was damn hot.
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